Honest Baking Disclaimers

"I swore like a sailor throughout the entire baking process because my kitchen has no counter space and my mixer smells like smoke every time I try to cream butter and sugar. Here are your damn cookies, damn it."

"This took way longer to make than it should have because I am an incompetent who brings shame upon my mother and grandmother."

"I have never made this before and cutting myself a sample would ruin the look, but it smelled okay while baking and that is why I'm feeding it to you. Enjoy it or you will hurt my feelings."

"I dropped five of the apples that went into this pie. I rinsed most of them afterwards."

"I accidentally added an entire extra stick of butter. Enjoy this heart attack on a plate."

"I ran out of the proper ingredients halfway through, so we're all going to pray that the substitutions I Googled worked out."

"I can't keep butter at room temperature because of my house's heating and fluctuations, so forget ever following any baking advice ever."

"I gave myself no time to make this and the baking process was so stressful that now I have no appetite and don't ever want to smell this dessert again. Take it! Take it from me!"

"Someday I will buy the proper equipment to make this for real."

"This tastes delicious, so I am going to upload a grainy picture of this baked good in all of its ill-decorated glory."

Makeup Case: Julep November It Girl Box

Christmas shopping in mind, I held off on buying extra nail polishes with my November Julep box. Is it sad that three new polishes a month is now my standard for moderate spending? Pssh, no way. Nail polish is for fun. Plus, this box came with two of those bullseye caramel candies. I ate them and did not share.

Left to right: Kiki, Marzia, and Ilsa. How did I make the candy blurry?!

Kiki (as in "let's have a") is described as "an oceanic silver shimmer." In Julep's world, the ocean is a pretty aquamarine flecked with silver glitter. I kind of want to go there.

Marzia is a gorgeous chrome gray. I'm a magpie at heart and really dig shiny colors like this.

Ilsa is a blue so deep it looks almost purple. It's a color to put on when you're feeling angsty but still want the world to know that a hint of color exists within your soul.

Here's how they look on my nails:

1 coat each of Ilsa, Marzia, and Kiki!

I really like all the colors, even on my poor, worn out nails. (I've been neglecting my base coats because I'm lazy. All of my nails are breaking. Heed my warning, nail polish lovers!) Marzia wins my heart as the shiniest of the bunch, but Kiki is lovely and Ilsa is much prettier than I could capture with my cell phone camera. All three colors make great transitions from fall to winter.

Bonus shot of my hand creeping over a paper towel like a terrible, three-legged nail polish spider:

I HAVE COME FOR YOUR SHINY THINGS.

If my nail polish spider hand has so compelled you, feel free to sign up for Julep using my referral link.

Makeup Case: 6 Autumnal Julep Shades

Julep is a demon company for sending out coupons. How is a girl to resist buying all the seasonal colors in the world? Arranging these polishes in a little autumn rainbow delighted my heart.

I am the queen of seasonal rainbows. I would like four crowns, please.

Kendra is described as "army green frost" but looked pretty black on my nails. Slight flecks of glitter were visible.
Diamond Theory is a sparkly bronze shade with medium- and small-sized flecks of bronze glitter. One coat didn't provide full coverage, but I bet two or three coats would take care of that.
Gianna is a top coat with big chunks of gold glitter. Perfect for Christmas!

Emilie is a deep emerald green. My green-loving roommate is going to marry it.

Brielle is a beautiful red-orange. I've been wearing it a lot, as it's a great way to wear a red that doesn't scream, "I'M WEARING RED!"

Tatiana is a disco glitter pumpkin orange. Why don’t they put me in charge of writing the official nail polish descriptions?

Here is the hasty manicure I gave myself with all six colors:

From thumb to pinkie: Diamond Theory, Kendra, Gianna on Emilie, Brielle, and Tatiana.

Overall, I was pleased with this box. I have discovered the tragic secret of nail polish, though: the glitter polishes chip much faster. As a person who likes maximum sparkle at all times, this is a subject that will bear further investigation.

Makeup Case: Julep October It Girl Box + 3 More

Signing up for Julep was a mistake in the sense that now I can't stop purchasing nail polish. It's too easy to throw in a few extra colors in your monthly box. On the other hand (the one with the nail polish), it's doing wonders for the household collection. On the third hand (it is Halloween, after all), I am still not the most timely of reviewers. This came over a week ago.

From left to right: Ledi, Shailene, Dana, Nancy, Queen Anne, Myrtle

The first three polishes are from the October It Girl box. Ledi is a slightly glittery black. Shailene is a gorgeous deep purple flecked with gold glitter. Dana is a matte white that promises to glow under black light. Nancy is a sage green flecked with silver glitter. Queen Anne is a lilac microglitter top coat. Myrtle is described as "flapper red" and delivers a red creme. The $10 coupon was much appreciated; the candy corn, not so much.

Here is the extra terrible paint job I did on my nails:

1 coat of Dana, Shailene, and Ledi (October It Girl box)

Look at that paint job. Glopped on in the middle of cooking, like I can multitask. I think you can still see that these colors are quite autumn appropriate. Shailene is the color I've been wearing for the past few days. I think the glitter makes it chip faster, but it's so darn pretty that I keep touching it up. Dana is going to make me popular at Halloween parties and Ledi will let me feel appropriately dark and surly during the post-candy crash.

1 coat of Queen Anne, Myrtle, and Nancy, interrupted by the cat!

Now, this awful paint job I can explain. Remember how I was painting my nails in the middle of cooking? The cat decided to investigate the fantastic new smells originating from the kitchen table and tried to stick his face into the vegetables I prepped to go into the soup. You're a cat! Why are you interested in vegetables? Why are you forcing me to get flapper red all over my middle finger? Some of us want to pretend we're guest stars on Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries.

The guilty party, looking unrepentant in a crock pot.

Anyway, I think Nancy is the real standout of the bunch, but you can't go wrong with Myrtle. Next time, I will have to try Queen Anne over another color. I bet it would look lovely and Easter-y over a pastel pink.

If what you see here tickles your pickle, feel free to sign up for Julep using my referral link.

9 Things No One Told Me About Losing Weight

When I hit party dress season in December 2013, I noticed that some of my clothes were too tight. Well, I said to myself, you've invested a lot in your nice clothes. Better lose some weight. Like thousands of people around the world, I started in early January. Unlike most of those people, I actually succeeded. I dropped 20 pounds and four dress sizes, which is quite a lot on a 5'1" frame.

I guess this is the part where I share how I emerged a svelte butterfly from a cocoon made of sheer willpower. Honestly, I liked myself already. Here is a list of nine things no one told me about losing weight. No fitness evangelizing, promoting disordered eating, or fat-shaming allowed.

Makeup Case: Julep Welcome Box + Bonus Color

Before subscribing to a monthly expense, I like to do my research. Is fancy nail polish worth $25/month? (Julep also offers other boxes, but let's be real, my makeup collection is already outta control except for a severe nail polish shortage.) If you read the title of the post, then you've probably figured out my conclusion was yes. I maintain that you will enjoy my highly scientific means of arriving at this conclusion. TL;DR version of the method: buy a bottle of Julep polish, apply one coat with no base or top coat, and then beat the crap out of my nails.

Florence, 1 coat, Day 1.

In the midst of spending my life savings on MAC brushes, I threw in a bottle of Julep's Florence. It's an ecru shade that I thought would make a nice everyday shade: neutral enough for work, but an unusual color for nails. It applied quite thick for this out of practice nail polish wearer and I had to do some cleanup on my cuticles. Then I spent a good hour admiring my nails because I never paint them anymore. (Note: I think the next picture is a much more accurate representation of the color. Please excuse my minimal photography skills.)

Florence, 1 coat, Day 3.

This is the same hand after a few days. By this point, I had washed many dishes, done a few loads of laundry, worked out, and dusted my room. Chores become surprisingly fun when you are procrastinating lesson planning doing science. As you can see, there was little chipping. I decided that the Julep box was a worthy investment for me, queen of chipping even professional manicures within 24 hours.

Julep welcome box, from left to right: Libby, Teri, and Winter.

Today (look how timely this review is!), Julep's welcome box arrived. Libby is a deep turquoise. Teri is a peachy coral. Winter is a light dove gray.  The above photo serves as evidence that overhead fluorescent lighting is terrible for photography and humanity in general. Sorry my apartment is so dark, everybody.

1 coat of each color.

And here is what all three look like on my nails, this time photographed in natural light. Call me easy to please, but I loved them all. Teri is more appropriate a color for spring or summer, but the seasons cannot dictate my love for the color coral. Libby makes me wish I owned turquoise jewelry. Winter makes me feel as cool as Emma Frost. I refuse to apologize for the number of puns in the last sentence.

Final note: Let your polish set! Five minutes after photographing my nails, I went upstairs to hang up the clothes living on my floor and chipped poor Winter. Impatience kills manicures. Plenty of people already know this, but logic was never my strong suit.

If seeing this makes you want to subscribe to Julep, please use my referral link!

Albums I Have Loved: Sarah McLachlan, Surfacing

Long before "Angel" became the sad animal commercial song, I associated it with the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, along with every other song on Surfacing. "Full of Grace" was in the second season finale, after all. If you're wondering whether I saved Buffy computer wallpapers with Sarah McLachlan lyrics plastered on them in illegible cursive font, the answer is YES.

Before I get into the actual review, I'd like to note that this CD is one I straight up filched from my dad, which will be a recurring theme in this blog feature. Music taste starts at home and with petty theft.

Makeup Case: Face

My makeup regime for my face is not all that intense. Because my skin is naturally dry, I've never had to cover up more than the occasional blemish. Though I don't wear it often enough, my sunscreen of choice is "anything that works." I'll go into what moisturizers and cleansers I use in my bath products review. Here is everything else!

Unity: The Introduction

Nothing seems all that strange about Unity, Connecticut. The winters are cold and lingering; the summers hot and humid. Unity was a thriving town until the factory shut down a few decades ago. Now descendants of factory workers mingle with an ever growing immigrant population. The rich and upper middle class live somewhere else. Ideas travel slowly, despite the town's relative proximity to New York City. Locals run conservative and focus on the ordinary.

"Ordinary" takes on a different meaning here. Sometimes new stores appear downtown, only to vanish a few days later. The howls coming from the woods sound nothing like coyotes. People avoid the library because the librarians interpret "knowledge is power" a little too literally. The mayor is both the youngest and the oldest in the state's history.

Unity doesn't seem strange, but viewing it that way takes practice.

Author's Note: I grew up in Connecticut. I've never been to Union, so any resemblance is a coincidence or a characteristic of the state in general. All characters are made up except for any historical figures that might appear as ghosts or time travelers.

The concept for this project is what I'm calling "open notebook." I will post character sketches, notes, and random doodles as well as actual stories. Things may very well end up contradicting each other but hey, that's Unity for you.

Albums I Have Loved: Savage Garden, Savage Garden

This post is dedicated to my college roommate, who also grew up with this CD. If this is your first time reading this feature (which it is, since this is the first review), here's a brief introduction to my process.

I don't remember my first trip to the record store. I remember other trips, poring over stacks of plastic-wrapped CDs in the glare of overhead lights, but nothing stands out as the first time. Savage Garden's self-titled first album was one of the first CDs I ever owned, but I know this because I owned about six CDs from ages 10 to 14, and half of those I "borrowed" from my dad. Savage Garden was a purchase all my own, though, based on listening to the radio rather than my dad's music collection.

A little backstory first: Savage Garden, the debut album of Australian pop duet Savage Garden (surprisingly enough), came out in 1997. I was a middle schooler with truly unfortunate bangs. Darren Hayes had yet to come out of the closet. It was a different time. Still, when I cued up the album 17 years later, I knew every word. I'll leave it to someone else to decide whether these tracks stand the test of time. The last days of my childhood are in this album, along with the first stumbling steps toward adulthood.

Reading Choreography

Two months ago, I attended my first dance class. I was terrified.

I love to dance. I'm one of those people who can stay on a dance floor until last call sounds. I get really into the simple line dances (think: Cupid Shuffle) I do with my students. My sister is a dancer, so I've enjoyed numerous performances over the years. When I listen to music, I often choreograph dance routines in my head, though I have no technical terminology for the movements I envision. Friends and strangers have complimented me on my dancing.

I still avoided going to a class for literally years.

Albums I Have Loved: The Project

In this blog feature, I plan to dig deep into the ancient recesses of my CD collection (and my dad's cassette tape collection). That's right, I'm going to revisit the albums of my youth in all their potentially embarrassing glory. Why? Because I love music, and there is precious little music you love more than your first musical discoveries. Also, me trying to review the Backstreet Boys over a decade later will be hilarious.

In my secondary school days, I didn't listen to all that many albums. I had no money for CDs except around Christmas and my birthday. Thanks to the inception of Napster, I made a ton of mix CDs. If you find yourself wondering, "Hey, given her taste in music, why doesn't she review ______?" then I guarantee I had at least five songs in the artist's discography. Maybe I'll do a Songs I Have Loved feature next!

Intro Post, Naturally

Hello, everybody! Welcome to Birthday Pen. I plan on blogging about anything that catches my fancy, but I'm willing to take requests for topics. Some salient points about the author:

• I'm an early childhood educator and view much of my life from that lens.
• I was an English major, so I like to look at media through that lens.
• I imagine my English major lens as a monocle.
• I live in the Boston area.
• I'm great at reading, mediocre at cooking, and terrible at learning choreography.
• Yes, my blog title comes from the lyric in "Pretty Good Year."

Happy (future) reading!